The Many Shapes of Grief or, a Little Bit of Everything

After my last post, one of my sisters stopped me by the community room and told me about a podcast from Anderson Cooper. In the eight-episode series called All There Is, Anderson explores grief from his own experience of the deaths of his father, brother, and mother. Each episode is unique and exquisite. And while they were a challenging listen in parts, I'd give the series an A! I was quite grateful for the recommendation.

I enjoyed each episode, but the one featuring Stephen Colbert was a highlight for me...taking me back to my high school and college days when I had a one-sided love affair with him each night on The Colbert Report. He told the story of his father and two closest-in-age brothers who died in a plane crash when he was only 10. Stephen said, "My experience of grief has made me long for beauty."

How couldn't I think of dear Mary Miller? Someone for whom beauty was an essential, a non-negotiable of life.

I have been spending a few days down the shore enjoying some time away; beauty abounds. Just the first evening we were sitting bayside with this incredible view of the myriad, varied clouds while the sun poured through them. Lo and behold, we turned around to find a rainbow over the ocean! Mary's presence was damn-near tangible while experiencing the beauty of creation in such a full way.

This mixture of sun and clouds led to a day of pure sunshine and warmth yesterday. We went to the north end of the island at low tide, marveling at such a perfect blue.

And then, overnight last night, the storms from Hurricane Lee passed through. I could hear the thunder and lightning through my ear plugs! We went over to the ocean to see the waves in the morning.

So, the weather here resonates with how I'm feeling most days: a little bit of everything.

But so much of the "little bit of everything" comes from the grief from Mary's death. A quick Google search for the definition of grief was half-predictable, half-enlightening...

"deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death"

I didn't necessarily expect that second part... caused by someone's death.

There's grief, sadness, and anxiety these days, but they're also balanced by such joy and gratitude. It's right in-line with part of Stephen Colbert's main theme in the podcast: gratitude and grief can go together. Indeed, it's nearly impossible for me to feel grief about Mary without feeling some gratitude to balance it out. Gratitude for all I learned from her, for the gift of Emmaus she gave me by offering me a position there, for all the beautiful people of Erie who I've met because of her and the ministry, for simply having had Mary's life in mine for a brief time.

Which, of course, reminds me of one of my favorite Disney/Pixar films, Inside Out. Until preteen Riley can learn to experience multiple emotions at once she struggles to work through the increasingly challenging moments of life. We must be grateful for all the moments that force us to hold multiple emotions at once. And these beginning days of my new role at Emmaus are certainly that.

So, here are a few pieces of music offering me more than one feeling at once.

I stumbled upon this violinist, Anne Akiko Meyers, via her Tiny Desk Concert. But it's her version of one of my favorites, Gabriel's Oboe, that totally did me in.

Then, there's Allison Russell's new album. This song is called Requiem.

And my always-favorite band, First Aid Kit...when we went to their concert earlier this year, they blew us away with a cover of Fleetwood Mac. Here they are playing Songbird.

May our grief always be an avenue to experience so much more of life and to learn so much more about ourselves and to discern so much more about what we truly value.

Let us walk in the holy presence.