Sunday, September 10, 2017

One Year Later

It seems like many of the quotes and poems I have been reading lately are quintessential summaries of my novitiate experience.

“When God comes into our midst, it is to upset the status quo.” (
Kathleen Norris)

Today officially marks one year of God upsetting my status quo. The novitiate has been a time to reflect on some of my patterns, both those that are healthy and those that need some developing (if you will), as I grow in this monastic life. God has certainly swooped in in new ways calling me to a fuller way of being. Though it is often hard to point out growth in the day-to-day, I do trust that I have gentled a bit and learned a lot over the course of this graced year. Here's a poem by Kay Ryan called New Rooms.

The mind must
set itself up
wherever it goes
and it would be
most convenient
to impose its
old rooms—just
tack them up
like an interior
tent. Oh but
the new holes
aren’t where
the windows
went.

As I re-enter "the normal routine" in the upcoming weeks, I will try on this new view that has been building inside me, hoping not to return to those old spaces. I will try to stay attuned to the deep gratitude I have for life and for the beauty that surrounds me, both in nature and in other human beings. Our dear Mary Oliver speaks of this, and I would be remiss if I didn't include a poem of hers as I end an important stage of my life. Long Afternoon At the Edge of Little Sister Pond:

As for life,
I’m humbled,
I’m without words
sufficient to say

how it has been hard as flint,
and soft as a spring pond,
both of these
and over and over,

and long pale afternoons besides,
and so many mysteries
beautiful as eggs in a nest,
still unhatched

though warm and watched over
by something I have never seen –
a tree angel, perhaps,
or a ghost of holiness.

Every day I walk out into the world
to be dazzled, then to be reflective.
It suffices, it is all comfort –
along with human love,

dog love, water love, little-serpent love,
sunburst love, or love for that smallest of birds
flying among the scarlet flowers.
There is hardly time to think about

stopping, and lying down at last
to the long afterlife, to the tenderness
yet to come, when
time will brim over the singular pond, and become forever,

and we will pretend to melt away into the leaves.
As for death,
I can’t wait to be the hummingbird,
can you?


Hummingbirds have been a symbolic animal for me since I entered community, so it was fitting that the image at the top of worship aid for Liturgy this morning was two hummingbirds drinking sweet nectar. What a beautiful day! What a beautiful year! Praise God!

I will be back after I return from some time away visiting family and friends.

Until then...

Let us walk in the holy presence.


(from fineartamerica.com)

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

O Happy Labor

We used our extended weekend to take a bike ride out to Findley Lake. Elevation gain you might ask? Over 1300 feet! Needless to say, the ride home was much more pleasant.

Here are some snapshots from the journey.

starting out 

gaining momentum

 a rather deceptive gradual, gravel-filled incline that paid off with a lovely lake view

joy after fixing my broken chain...thanks to the able mechanics!

destination: half way: Findley Lake 

nourishing ourselves with nature's bounty on the return trip 

fin.

May all be blessed with work that brings dignity to the human soul.

Let us walk in the holy presence.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Psalmody

O Love, my Beloved,
How powerful is your Name
          in all the earth!
You, whose glory is sung in heaven
     by the angels and saints,
Who with the innocence and
          spontaneity of a child,
Confound those who are mighty
          and proud,
You comfort the unloving and fearful.

When I look up at the heavens,
     at the work of Love's creation,
     at the infinite variety of your Plan,
What is woman that You rejoice in her,
And man that You do delight in him?
     You have made us in your image,
     You fill us with your Love;
You have made us co-creators of
          the earth!
     guardians of the planet!
     to care for all your creatures,
     to tend the land, the sea,
          and the air we breathe;
     all that You have made,
          You have placed in our hands.

O Love, my Beloved,
How powerful is your Name
          in all the earth!

Most of the time I know what I am going to say here a day or two before it's time to write. Today, I had no clue. All day I sort of waited for the lightbulb to go off. I figured I would find a line from a psalm at evening praise and use that, but when we began with Psalm 8 tonight (Nan Merrill's version is above), something else happened. Someone was walking to her prayer seat, and while we were reciting, she was reciting the lines from memory as she walked. How beautiful? One of my favorite things about the monastic life, one so deeply entwined with the psalms, is that this holy poetry becomes a part of us. This moment tonight reminded me of something I just read from Kathleen Norris (Amazing Grace, again):

It interests me to find so little God-talk in monasteries. This sometimes disappoints the more pious (or romantic) candidates who assume that monks spend all their time discussing visions and are shocked to find them evaluating the World Series instead. I suspect that the ample spiritual wisdom to be found in monastic communities comes not from pious chatter but the discipline of the psalmody. Immersing people so completely in poems that speak vividly of the human in relation to the holy seems to serve as a corrective to religious code language.

It is only a month until the baseball playoff season begins, right?! (I know Notre Dame won their opener yesterday! GO IRISH!)

Let us walk in the holy presence.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

On St. Augustine

Things take the time they take. Don't
     worry.
How many roads did St. Augustine follow
     before he became St. Augustine?

I begin with this poem from Mary Oliver seeing as we celebrated the Memorial of St. Augustine on Monday. On Sunday I happened to open up and begin reading an incredible book, Jesus the Teacher Within, by Laurence Freeman, OSB. The book (not coincidentally, I'm sure) centers around the question Jesus asked in Sunday's Gospel: "Who do you say that I am?" The premise is that we must continually ask ourselves that question of God, Jesus, and ourselves as to grow in true Self-knowledge. I am enjoying it very much so far, and when I came to a few lines about Augustine, I figured it would be timely to share them with you.

"St Augustine was fascinated by the question of self-knowledge, aware no doubt of how hard he had worked to gain it himself:

'A person must first be restored to himself, that making of himself as it were a stepping stone, he may rise thence to God.'

In his Confessions St Augustine was the first Western writer to define the sense of personal identity as intimately interior, self-conversing, seeking and anxious. He initiated the autobiographical narrative style that we take for granted as the way we think and talk about ourselves. Describing his search for himself as a search for God was not a mere literary device. His self-concern was given meaning because it pointed towards an ultimate self-transcendence. By self-analysis and writing he advanced towards self-knowledge in the telling (and invention) of his story and by the sharing of his hidden personality. This seems all quite familiar to us today, in the culture of the television chat show, as a means of understanding who we are. Yet there is a difference in motivation. However self-centered his autobiographical self-awareness might appear at times, it was led by a consuming passion to know God. This was the God he said was closer to him than he was to himself and who knew him better than he could know himself. He could therefore pray that he would come to know himself so that he could know God. It was a sublime kind of egotism waiting for an ecstatic release from the ego."

Let us walk in the holy presence.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Look at the Wildflowers

From Matthew 6:26-34 (The Message translation):

Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to God than birds. Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion - do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers - most of which are never even seen - don't you think God'll attend to you, take pride in you, do the best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way God works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how God works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

These verses are definitely some of my most treasured lines of Scripture, because I need to hear them the most.

Lately, I have been doing some heavy reflecting as my novitiate year nears its end. I have gone back into old journals and found that, even though I don't remember some things at all, I was dealing with all the same stuff back then but it was just in a different, previous year of my life. I was writing about fear of failure, lack of trust, and other issues that put on full display my humanity. So when these lines from Rainer Marie Rilke came into my email the other day, I had a little chuckle.

And you wait, keep waiting for that one thing
which would infinitely enrich your life:
the powerful, uniquely uncommon,
the awakening of dormant stones,
depths that would reveal you to yourself.

In the dusk you notice the book shelves
with their volumes in gold and in brown;
and you think of far lands you journeyed,
of pictures and of shimmering gowns
worn by women you conquered and lost.

And it comes to you all of a sudden:
That was it! And you arise, for you are
aware of a year in your distant past
with its fears and events and prayers.

-Remembrance

It [life] has all already been, currently is, and will be in the future. Because it's not just the trying stuff that I am encountering as I look back, but it is also the joys. So (again) the call is to trust, to believe that each moment is enough, that God gives me exactly what I need, that faith in the Divine is where I should place my attention. Present moment--wonderful moment, indeed.

Let us join with the father of the boy possessed by a demon: "I do believe. Help my unbelief."

Let us walk in the holy presence.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

From Teilhard de Chardin

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way
to something unknown,
something new.

And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability—
and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you;
your ideas mature gradually—let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.

Let us walk in the holy presence.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

The Graced Beauty of Surrender

The past few days I have been struck by the flowers in our gardens. No longer at their peak, they have assumed an altogether different sort of beauty. I first saw it when I noticed the hydrangea bushes losing their familiar vibrant colors in favor of some new hues.


As I study the monastic vows, I am reading about this sort of surrender that nature demonstrates to us so well. For we humans it brings along some extra baggage though. The prioress of the Benedictine Sisters in Bristow, VA, Cecilia Dwyer, quoted Charles Cummings, OSCO in a piece of writing on obedience:

The mystical death-experience of total surrender issues in an experience of exhilarating freedom, a rebirth into a new place of life. But total surrender is frightening and arouses my anxiety and resistance. The anxious feeling I have is a sign that I am being invited to move beyond my present state of complacent existence into a new and closer relationship with the hidden God.

This feeling of fear is not foreign to me, nor to any other human being, I'm certain. In these moments, and in my better moments, I remember to look to nature for a sort of balm for my spirit. It is nature that continually teaches me that we simply must give ourselves over as we are; there is beauty in that. Today I went out and tried to capture the beauty of total surrender in a few photographs.






I am most often one with eyes fixed to finding beauty in the ideal, but today I found it in reality. Our fears are real, too, and we must pay attention to them, but we must also pay attention to the promise they hold. Kathleen Norris writes in Amazing Grace:

Yes, it [fear] can stymie us, but it can also set us free. It is fear--in the old sense of awe--that allows us to recognize the holy in our midst, fear that gives us the courage to listen, and to let God awaken in us capacities and responsibilities we have been afraid to contemplate.

So, yes, fear is real, but Christian fear must push us to look beyond, to believe in the God of all creation. This God calls to us: "Do not fear; I love you; you are mine." To what else would I rather surrender? What else could be more beautiful?

Let us walk in the holy presence.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Necessary Words

I was going to post something different until this poem came into my inbox this morning.

Thanks for giving us words for this moment, Wendell Berry.

To my granddaughters who visited the Holocaust
Museum on the day of the burial of Yitzhak Rabin

Now you know the worst
we humans have to know
about ourselves, and I am sorry,

for I know that you will be afraid.
To those of our bodies given
without pity to be burned, I know

there is no answer
but loving one another,
even our enemies, and this is hard.

But remember:
when a man of war becomes a man of peace,
he gives a light, divine

though it is also human.
When a man of peace is killed
by a man of war, he gives a light.

You do not have to walk in darkness.
If you will have the courage for love,
you may walk in light. It will be

the light of those who have suffered
for peace. It will be
your light.

Let us pray for peace.

Let us walk in the holy presence.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Catching Up and Moving Forward

Two of the last books that I have read are books that the majority of people read 10+ years ago: Eat, Pray, Love and Harry Potter (Sorcerer's Stone).

While it has taken me a bit of time to get around to these books (I have to admit I have been stubborn about reading Harry), it does seem appropriate to be reading them now. Though I am only just beginning the Harry series, I know enough about it to know that it is about the struggle for good amidst evil, among other things. Eat, Pray, Love is all about learning to live from love, not fear.

These themes are important ones as I approach the making of my first vows in community. This is what the journey of the monastic is all about. Benedict tells us in the Prologue of the Rule about choosing a life of good:

"Seeking workers in a multitude of people, God calls out and says again: 'Is there anyone here who yearns for life and desires to see good days?' If you hear this and your answer is 'I do,' God then directs these words to you: If you desire true and eternal life, 'keep your tongue free from vicious talk and your lips from all deceit; turn away from evil and do good; let peace be your quest and aim.'"

And about choosing love:

"See how God's love shows us the way of life."

J.K. Rowling says, speaking through Dumbledore:

"Your mother died to save you. If there is one thing Voldemort cannot understand, it is love. He didn't realize that love as powerful as your mother's for you leaves its own mark. Not a scar, no visible sign... to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever. It is in your very skin. Quirrell, full of hatred, greed, and ambition, sharing his soul with Voldemort, could not touch you for this reason. It was agony to touch a person marked by something so good."

And Elizabeth Gilbert says, speaking in dialogue with her friend Richard:

E: “All I seem to do is argue with myself when I try to meditate.”

R: “That’s just your ego, trying to make sure it stays in charge. This is what your ego does. It keeps you feeling separate, keeps you with a sense of duality, tries to convince you that you’re flawed and broke and alone instead of whole.”

E: “But how does that serve me?”

R: “It doesn’t serve you. Your ego’s job isn’t to serve you. Its only job is to keep itself in power. And right now, your ego’s scared to death cuz it’s about to get downsized. You keep up this spiritual path, baby, and that bad boy’s days are numbered. Pretty soon your ego will be out of work, and your heart’ll be making all the decisions. So your ego’s fighting for its life, playing with your mind, trying to assert its authority, trying to keep you cornered off in a holding pen away from the rest of the universe. Don’t listen to it.”

E: “How do you not listen to it?”

R: “Ever try to take a toy away from a toddler? They don’t like that, do they? They start kicking and screaming. Best way to take a toy away from a toddler is distract the kid, give him something else to play with. Divert his attention. Instead of trying to forcefully take thoughts out of your mind, give your mind something better to play with. Something healthier.”

E: “Like what?”

R: “Like love, Groceries. Like pure divine love.”


Both of these books have been wonderful companions the past few weeks, and a special thanks to my wise friend who encouraged me to read them both!

Let us walk in the holy presence.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

On Conversion

From Kathleen Norris, Amazing Grace:

In living out my conversion as a daily and lifelong process, I treasure most the example of my grandmother Totten, who dwelled in one marriage, one home, one church congregation for over sixty years. Her faith was alive for anyone to see; her life demonstrates that conversion is no more spectacular than learning to love the people we live with and work among. It does not mean seeking out the most exotic spiritual experience, or the ideal religion, the holiest teachers who will give us the greatest return on our investment. Conversion is seeing ourselves, and the ordinary people in our families, our classrooms, and on the job, in a new light. Can it be that these very people--even the difficult, unbearable ones--are the ones God has given us, so that together we might find salvation? Taking a good look at myself and the people I live and work with, I might assume that God is foolish indeed. I might also begin to have an awe-inspiring glimpse into the uncomfortable implications of Paul's exhortation to the Philippians to "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling" (Phil. 2:12).

Let us walk in the holy presence.

rain on the lake

Sunday, August 6, 2017

The Intergenerational Life

It is a well known fact that one of our Sunday presiders, Father Jim, gives a great homily. Each week that he celebrates with us, he provides us with thought-provoking insights into not just the gospel reading, but each of the three Scripture readings for the week. (In fact, it is not only Jim who does this--we are quite blessed with our celebrants.)

Today though, really stuck out for me into terms of "homilies I needed to hear." (We all know what they feel like!) Jim reminded us that we already heard the gospel of the Transfiguration during this liturgical cycle, way back in our Lenten journey. But, this time, he explained, the context is different in light of the other gospels we've heard leading up to it.

The past few weeks have been about the Kingdom of God, but rather than focusing on the exterior reign, he reminded us of the utter importance of transforming our inner lives. It happens through all those tried and true ways: prayer, spiritual direction, and immersion in our daily lives here and now.

I feel like I have a bit of an advantage on that last one--immersion in the daily life--through living in community. I was reminded of that in a recent article by Courtney Martin on the On Being blog.

She writes about the value of intergenerational living and the gift that it brings us in terms of wisdom and energy. I have yet to encounter any other way to gain such wisdom and energy in one space. And while I would never trade my peer group, the joy and strength that I've gained through wise mentors have been essential to my journey. (And any one of my same-aged friends would tell you that about me in a second! It didn't surprise any of them that I wanted to enter this community.)

Yet, the question I still get asked most often about my choice to enter has to do with the age gap. Most of the time I just want to respond by saying that my sisters are actually the ones who give me energy. I truly, truly believe in the value of intergenerational living and the power of shared wisdom. Benedict even writes about it in the Rule, in the chapter on Tools for Good Works: "Respect the elders and love the young."

This weekend provided me a tangible experience of this, as I was accepted to make first profession in the community. Saturday morning was a beautiful time of joy. As I embraced each of my sisters, I took in all their love and wisdom that they share with me so freely, and not just on special occasions.

I have no doubt that intergenerational living daily nurtures my inner transfiguration.

Let us walk in the holy presence.


Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Storytelling

Since the last time that I wrote about Pax Christi's Peace Stories blog, a few new pieces have been published, including my second story. I am participating in a project called Young Peace Journalists for my novitiate corporate commitment project. Working with a group of other young writers worldwide, we interview local refugees and write their stories for Pax Christi.

If you click on the names below, they will link you to each story.

Me

Merveille

Innocent

Willeke

Let us walk in the holy presence.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Teach Us The Wisdom of God

Today, in a fine homily, our presider told us that the first line of today's second reading would be enough to meditate upon for the rest of our lives:

"We know that all things work for good for those who love God."

I think that's probably true of these words Paul shares with the Romans. Our presider also stressed the value of wisdom in our faith lives. It brought to mind a simple, yet effective and useful Venn diagram shared with me during a class this past week.

The wise mind is where our rational and emotional minds meet. When we discern, we want to operate from our wise minds. This (and I would venture to say, more than often) means that it takes more than one person to find the wisdom in any situation. It reminds us of the value of listening and humility, too. When we live lives of wisdom, listening, and humility, then, yes, we can trust the goodness of God at work in our lives. This also brought to mind a favorite Mary Oliver poem called Mysteries, Yes. Because even when we value wisdom, listening, and humility in our search for and love of God, we have to remember that, still, this is all one great Mystery!

Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous
   to be understood.

How grass can be nourishing in the
   mouths of the lambs.
How rivers and stones are forever
   in allegiance with gravity
      while we ourselves dream of rising.
How two hands touch and the bonds will

   never be broken.
How people come, from delight or the
   scars of damage,
to the comfort of a poem.

Let me keep my distance, always, from those
   who think they have the answers.

Let me keep company always with those who say
   "Look!" and laugh in astonishment,
   and bow their heads.


Perhaps this is true wisdom!

Let us walk in the holy presence.


Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Afternoon Poetry To Let Sink In

There is no controlling life.
Try corralling a lightning bolt,
containing a tornado. Dam a
stream and it will create a new
channel. Resist, and the tide
will sweep you off your feet.
Allow, and grace will carry
you to higher ground. The only
safety lies in letting it all in —
the wild and the weak; fear,
fantasies, failures and success.
When loss rips off the doors of
the heart, or sadness veils your
vision with despair, practice
becomes simply bearing the truth.
In the choice to let go of your
known way of being, the whole
world is revealed to your new eyes.

Allow, by Danna Faulds

Let us walk in the holy presence.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Florida Life

We returned this evening from a few days in Florida at St. Leo's University having attended a symposium centering around a program in which we participated. For the past three years, women in initial formation (and directors) have been meeting online with other Benedictine women in initial formation across the country. These days were the culmination of the project, and a wonderful time was had gathering together. Beyond quality time with others, I personally enjoyed a bit of hot, humid outside time taking in the nature in a different part of the country.

First, the sky:
The most glorious sunset over the lake...

And the lingering glory the next morning

Moving onto flowers:
Bird of Paradise 

Something I couldn't identify...help!

Then, animals:
Small lizards darting EVERYWHERE...I was told they are anole lizards. 

Delicate snails 

Soaring seahawk 

Perched hawk on volleyball net!

Aquaponic tilapia...a ministry of one of the sisters at Holy Name Monastery where we visited

Hungry Sandhill cranes 

And a rather beautiful photo of them that I did not take!

Now, we're home again...

Let us walk in the holy presence.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

200 Posts...A Look Back

Today's post is the 200th entry of this blog. Thanks for being a part of the ride!

In light of this, I have decided to return to beginnings today.

Every so often I am reminded or remember myself to connect with the initial spark of my vocation. What fired me up with Divine energy in the first place? It's a great and important question to reflect upon. Someone told me that she believes the key to commitment/vocation/life choice (or whichever word you're feeling today) is recognizing and naming the moment that made you say "Yes!"

So, what was the moment in my journey that stayed with me so strongly that I couldn't help but move forward in the discernment process?

For me it was my first experience of Triduum at the Mount. Of course the liturgies were totally breathtaking, but it was the presence of so many beautiful people surrounding me that made me think, "Yes! I both want and need to keep coming back." One sister in particular took me under her wing, made sure I felt comfortable in the new experience, and shared most meals with me and a little group of friends that formed during those holy and sacred days.

The rest is history now, but I decided to go back into the history of my journals from that first Triduum. This is the line that I found I had written upon my return home to Philadelphia.

"I know that if I keep this experience with me I will never be the same."

An understatement, indeed.

Let us (continue to) walk in the holy presence.

the journey

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Another Series, part 2

Following the waterfalls from two posts ago, here is the lake.

First, a wider view awaiting the sunset...

Now, some closer-ups of waves crashing...




SPLASH!

Let us walk in the holy presence.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Companions on the Journey

We are companions on the journey,
breaking bread and sharing life;
and in the love we bear is the hope we share
for we believe in the love of our God,
we believe in the love of our God.

We sang this hymn a Sunday or two ago during Liturgy. The lyrics are lovely, but what I loved most was the ad-libbing of a sister next to me:

...for we believe in the love of our God (And each other),
we believe in the love of our God (And each other).

Yes, we do believe in the love of our God and of each other. As we celebrated the Feast of Saint Benedict yesterday, the Good Zeal of Monastics came to mind:

Just as there is a wicked zeal of bitterness which separates from God and leads to hell, so there is a good zeal which separates from evil and leads to God and everlasting life. This, then, is the good zeal which members must foster with fervent love: "They should each try to be the first to show respect to the other (Romans 12:10)," supporting with the greatest patience one another's weaknesses of body or behavior, and earnestly competing in obedience to one another. No one is to pursue what she judges better for herself, but instead, what she judges better for someone else. Among themselves they show the pure love of sisters; to God, reverent love; to their prioress, unfeigned and humble love. Let them prefer nothing whatever to Christ, and may Christ bring us all together to everlasting life.


Isn't it all the same?

Let us believe in Love.

Let us walk in the holy presence.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Another Series

Last Sunday I took an evening walk over to Glinodo, deciding to enter into the creek that runs into the lake. Unlike the series of hydrangeas from my last post, there is no game to play, but here are some pictures that I took when I got up close to the little waterfalls. In another post, I will share a series from the lake.

First, from farther away:


Now, up close and personal:







Let us walk in the holy presence.