Sure, I’ve taken up my practices—meditation, giving away an item a day, Facebook fasting—in hopes that at least a slightly more pristine heart might appear. Yet, these practices have been completed on my terms. Is that really the point of taking them on? To die to self as I decide to die? While “meditating” this morning, I wondered about this all. Then, I told myself, “Val, just get back to the mantra.” The homily only offered an opportunity to continue my wondering, which only led to worrying, which only led to the cycle continuing.
A clean heart, yes, please. May my practices lead me there. What I might want even more, though, is a calm heart. Create in me a calm heart, O God. I would love a heart that isn’t so preoccupied with the status or progress of my “death-to-self.” A heart that trusts that as long as I am intentional, prayerful, and faithful then all shall be well.
I saw that calmness in nature the other weekend on a walk to the lake. The water appeared as still as Los Angeles traffic on a Friday rush hour.
To die this Lent, for me, would be to drop all the anxieties and worries about the journey. To live in the calm of God’s grace at work. Maybe my practices are helping take me there. Who knows? I can only live in hope. The first crocus I spot each year is my reminder.
All shall be well.
Let us walk in the holy presence.